Real Live Monster

What's new with you? Nothing much? And me? Well, turns out I was traumatized as a kid and didn't even realize it!

I suppose some backstory is required. During one of my more recent bouts of nostalgia, I mentioned that I missed listening to some of the cassettes (anyone remember that great technology?) that I possessed as a child...in particular, Sesame Street's brilliant 'Born to Add' compilation. For those of you unfamiliar with this particular piece of genius, the album was an early-80s release combining parodies and sound-alikes of classic rock groups, songs and styles. Bruce Stringbean told his baby that they were 'Born to Add', Mick Swagger moaned that he could get no 'Co-operation', and so forth. The cleverly-altered lyrics were further complimented by fully mature instrumentals, as opposed to the pleasantly synthesized tones commonly associated with children's music.

Of course, it being the heyday of the show, the songs were also secretly educational. The Count and his bats helped us 'Count up to Nine', we learned about the circulatory system in 'Every Beat of My Heart', incredibly concise rules for healthy living are outlined in 'The Ten Commandments of Health' (too bad more kids didn't listen to that one; we may not have had all the problems we have today), and 'The Opposite Song' was about...well, you get the idea. Educational AND entertaining? What a concept!

So my wife, loving lady that she is, tracked down the most current CD release of this album and I found it neatly wrapped in my Christmas stocking. I promptly listened to the first track twice, admitting that this (in addition to the universally acclaimed 'Put Down the Duckie') was what first sparked my interest in the saxophone...there is a dynamite solo between the second and third verses. It was at track 2, however, that the surprises started.

The current cut contains fourteen tracks (the original had only thirteen) and four of them are new songs, written for the show after the original album had been released in 1983. Conversely, three of the originals had been removed. Two of them, I realized right away, were "Letter B" and "Hey Food", both Beatles parodies. While irritating, this isn't particularly surprising...given the legal controversies around anything Beatles-related, it only makes sense that the company would want to avoid unnecessary challenges by removing said sound-alikes (apparently there was some kerfuffle when the album was originally released, settled peaceably after MJ picked up the rights).

The third deletion, I admit, I honestly could not remember. It required judicious use of Google, at which point it all came back clear as day...second song from the end, where 'A Little Girl' (such creative nomenclature!) belts out Janis-Joplin style that "I Want a Monster to be my Friend". This isn't a particular parody of any song that I've ever heard, so why remove it? Again, thanks to Google and Wikipedia, the answer was quickly found:

If I make friends with a friendly monster
I'll let him bounce me on his knee
I'll let him do whatever he wants to
Especially if he's bigger than me!

In 1984, one year after the album's release, a protest was lodged with the producer's that this song, and these four lyrics in particular, encouraged child molestation. Yes, you read that correctly. A Sesame Street song about playing with a fictional friend might actually encourage children to (as the protest worded it) "give in to the inappropriate advances of adults".

As I mentioned, I grew up listening to this album. Throughout my childhood I was at no point placed in the above-mentioned scenario and I am thankful for that. Likewise, my heart goes out to any victims of abuse...it is absolutely unacceptable and I do not want to give the impression of downplaying in any way what a serious problem it is in our society. THAT BEING SAID, I really DO NOT THINK that (had the situation arisen for me) my first thought would have been "The puppet girl on Sesame Street said it was okay to play with big hairy monsters, so I guess I'll let this guy bounce me on his knee if he really wants to..."

This is always a difficult argument and it must be made carefully, not only because it involves such strong emotions but because there is such a delicate line to walk between over- and under-reacting. It goes without saying that the writers of this song never had this thought cross their minds for a moment (at least, I fervently hope not), and that as a result the song is innately harmless and should be left alone. That is followed by the rebuttal that, meant or not, it is better to be safe than sorry and as no one is really getting hurt by the deletion (except my aforementioned nostalgia) there is no reason NOT to remove it.

What it boils down to, for me, is the simple question: "Where does it end?" Anyone my age or older has seen the tepid pablum that passes for children's entertainment nowadays, Sesame Street included. That isn't even nostalgia talking; the 1980s featured Jim Henson, Fred Rogers, Fred Penner, Bob Homme (the Friendly Giant), Ernie Coombs (Mr. Dressup), to name a few...I could probably go on for paragraphs. The fundamental difference I see between then and now is the quantity of condescension, that is, the way that shows nowadays treat kids quite literally with 'kid-gloves', while the entertainers of the past spoke to kids on a simple yet respectful level. To quote Robin Williams, "You don't play DOWN to them, you just play TO them"

The sadly humorous part (and I know you're all thinking it on some level) is that a lot of the names I have mentioned or COULD mention would probably be accused of having similar tendencies to the monster song. Whether seriously or as a source of cynical comedy, our currently revisionist mindset is unforgivably harsh towards children's entertainment. Which, in turn, causes further restrictions on the part of producers and broadcasters, eventually reaching a point where every frame and every word is examined under a microscope for even the slightest hint of controversy. There are people out there with telephones and far too much time on their hands...that's all it really takes.

As I have said, this is a difficult and emotional debate and I do not claim to be absolutely right one way or the other. Yes, there are certain things that children should not see. But that is the responsibility of parents, not television screens. Do our children know the difference between right and wrong, fantasy and reality? If they don't, it isn't Cookie Monster's fault. Concerns about programming content should not be cause for complaint; rather, they should be looked at as "teachable moments", a chance to educate and inform rather than blindfold and shield. To tell the honest truth, I'm rather looking forward to having my own opportunity in years to come...

By the way, another track on the 'Born to Add' album is about a party where a group of monsters "Honk around the Clock". What do you think THAT encourages?